Ep 38: Connection Series - Building Bridges of Understanding Through Attentive Listening

Welcome to another enlightening episode of Leading H.E.R. Way podcast, where today focuses on the intricate balance of family relationships amidst the bustling demands of business and home life

In this episode, I delve into my personal experiences, sharing the struggles and triumphs that have shaped my family's journey.

Key Highlights:

1. The Dance of Patience and Understanding: I open up about the challenges in my marriage, discussing the days filled with distance and the nights of lively debates, emphasizing the importance of patience and understanding in nurturing a relationship.

2. Heartfelt Discussions & Storytelling: Engage with us as we explore the art of meaningful conversations. Learn how to enhance storytelling within your family and the power of listening to understand each other’s unique perspectives on love and life.

3. Parenting Mosaic: This episode dives into the diverse personalities of my children - the introspective nature of my twelve-year-old and the energetic extroversion of my nine-year-old. Discover how these contrasting traits have taught me to adapt my communication and presence to address their individual needs.

4. Asking the Right Questions: Uncover the importance of asking thoughtful questions and being receptive to subtle cues. These practices can foster deeper understanding and acceptance within the family dynamic.

5. Building Stronger Family Bonds: Join us as we unravel the threads that connect our family and learn how to weave a stronger, more resilient bond in the tapestry of our familial relationships.

This episode is more than a conversation; it's a shared journey through the complexities and joys of parenting and maintaining a harmonious family life while juggling professional responsibilities. 

How to Work with Nikisha (Your Certified Business & Life Coach):

Six months from now, would you like your business to be unrecognizable?
Schedule a FREE consult to learn about THE SOLOPRENEUR INITIATIVE! A 1:1 private coaching six-month program for solopreneurs who want to:

• Managing Work-Life Stress
• Finding Your Direction with a Clear Plan
• Developing Confidence in Your Numbers
• Finding Fulfilment in Your Brand

Check out our content on Instagram > NK Focus Formula

Chapters

• 0:20 Improving Connection With Family
• 12:24 The Importance of Connecting With Family

Transcript

Nikisha: 0:20

Welcome to Nikisha King podcast Leading Her Way, where we see the human, evolving and resilient spirit in you. Listen, guys, today is a day and I'm doing everything to prepare for this beautiful day to be with you. And all I hear is the joy of noise in my background. When you are doing a podcast in your home office and you have family, it's like one of the best gifts, and you know what I mean by that. That's sarcasm, all of the noise, everything. But what I'm talking about today is just that Connecting with your family. As business owners, we get really tied down into the weeds of our business, but you have to remember you're still a part of a community, either friends, partners, children, whatever your dynamic look like, and at moments and times I'm going to be honest we don't always connect and remember we're doing our connection series. So I've shared with you how to connect business-wise and networking and the fun of that and the joy of it and the positivity of it. But let's look in the other side when you're not able to connect, how do we still find that connection? So let's talk about it In my home.

Nikisha: 1:43

I married for 15 years, which I love. I knew my husband for longer than that I think 20, 25 years something. We've been in our world since I was 18. And we have two beautiful daughters who are 9 and 12. And one is H, one is E. H is the oldest, she's the first born, e is the second, and we are all different personalities, so connecting differs for all of us. How we connect our personalities. It plays a part in that. So there are days we don't connect. I'm going to be honest. There are days where I feel like I'm ignoring E when she's speaking to me and I would ask myself why do I feel like I'm ignoring her, like I don't understand what this is? Because it's not a conscious ignoring. It's that I'm doing something while listening to you but not absorbing everything you're saying to me. And then I have to ask you to repeat yourself. Do you have those moments? And if you do, can you imagine how the other person listening feels? I can, because there's days I'm speaking and my husband zones out. So listen. Connecting with my family is so important and it's something that I'm learning to be better at in so many ways. So I wanted to invite you into my world.

Nikisha: 3:09

When it comes to connection and there are moments and times when it's not always the best, but how can we make it better? What are some of those tips and ideas or things you can implement so the dynamic in your family life can be better, or the way you choose it to be? So let's start with my story. There were moments when I would speak to my husband right, and when I speak to my husband, I'm a speaker, like I love speaking. So of course, I'm speaking maybe for three, four minutes, and I could see the light slowly go out of my husband's eyes. I could see him slowly losing interest. I could see him yawning and I'm like what's happening here? Hello, I'm speaking. I want all the attention now, right? Mind you, it might be a work day where he's working remotely, but I'm taking up time because I see it as my water cooler moment. You know when you go out in corporate world and you have a coffee station or a water cooler and you're just catching up before you go back to your seat alone.

Nikisha: 4:16

So in having this moment with him, I felt like internally that speaking to him was no longer an option, meaning he's really the only person I really share my wins with. Yes, he's only meaning he's here with me consistently, so he's kind of my person that I always go to. I have friends that I share it, but when I speak to them it's not every day. So I do speak to them my sister, my other family members and my close friends but he's here every day. So, anything that happens, he's like the number one person for me. So there was a moment when I would speak to him and I started feeling like maybe he's not my person anymore. But how can that be? He's the only one here with me every day, minus my kids, you know, and I could speak to them too, but they're gonna even be more vocal. They'd be like mom, we don't wanna hear this. Listen, this is my life, right?

Nikisha: 5:15

So in feeling that way, I realized that it wasn't really working and I was trying to figure out what can I do to make my storytelling better or have him check in. So what I did was I vocalized it. I vocalized it. I said babe, every time I speak to you I feel like you're not hearing me and sometimes like you're yawning. But what I did ask is when I'm speaking to you, what's going on on your side? I checked in. I wanted to know how was he feeling, and he shared with me.

Nikisha: 5:52

When someone speaks to him for a while, he tends to lose interest and I think that's where I see that side of him start to show up. But here's the positive out of this experience when I vocalized to him and I didn't come from an attack place, because I don't do that I would love to learn what my husband is thinking, my kids are thinking, my friends are thinking. So I didn't come like a place, like you never listen to me, I don't come from that place. I've learned not to come from that place. Before I did, but now I'm happy.

Nikisha: 6:25

The way I come into it is that I ask a question to understand what that person is processing or how they're thinking of it. So when I came from a place of love or how can I say consideration, he was able to answer me and truthfully, I gave him that space of truth not to have to make up a story. And when he shared it with me I was like, okay, that's great to know. And here's the thing my husband doesn't only do that with me, he does it in other places. So, for example, if he's at work or he's with a friend.

Nikisha: 7:05

This behavior is not only for Nikisha, it's actually happening when anyone is speaking to him. He could be our kids, it could be his mom. If he's not dialoguing back and forth, he's losing interest. So when we come to understand that, him and I we came up with a way for him to try something new. And one of the tips that I gave him was, or? One of the questions I asked him is are you interested? Are you curious about what the person is saying? And he said no and like a light bulb went off for him, like no, that's maybe it. I don't have curiosity, I'm not feeling curious about what's being said to me, so I think I lose interest. And I was like ha, and he was like ha. And I was like, okay, we have something.

Nikisha: 7:55

So the other day I was sharing with him about something again in my business. Right, because I'm going to keep sharing. I don't want to lose that connection with my husband. My husband is my number one supporter in so many ways and when I share with him, it's not to tell him what I'm doing good or bad but he's my person. He's the person who's been my best friend first, before he became my partner, and I don't want to ever lose that in our relationship because it means the world to me. So, in regards to us figuring out that curiosity, he started to do it. And when? I mean, he didn't tell me.

Nikisha: 8:34

But the other day I went to him and I was speaking and this was one of the first times my husband felt like he was engaged in my conversation, because I was on the stage or the soapbox and he was literally listening. There was no yawning, his eyes was like present. I was like what is this? This is so good, this may be my domain hit. And I was like wow, this is how it feels to be received. And it felt really good and I did tell him. I didn't tell him in the moment because I was experiencing the moment. I was like what's happening here? He's actually listening to me and it felt really good. But when I was journaling in the evening and I remembered it, I text him and I said, babe, thanks so much, I'm listening and I really appreciate you for trying. And it felt really good. It felt good to be seen and heard and I actually experienced that feeling. When I do it for other human beings, because I don't believe I feel like I experienced it, but people truly are listening, but I just don't. I didn't have that dopamine hit, if you call it, or that feeling. So when he provided it for me it was amazing. So that's my husband. That's one tip I've learned Be curious.

Nikisha: 9:59

Be curious in your conversation. And there are moments where you're not curious and it does show. It shows up because you're not attentive. You might be giving other nonverbal cues, like yawning, looking around, no eye contact. And eye contact is a culture thing. Us, we love giving it. Maybe in certain Asian countries they don't like it because it feed or it's like reading into their soul. But here I love reading into the soul because if I get to know you I can connect with you better. So every culture differs, but in the US eye contact means a lot for us. So if your eyes are wandering or wandering when someone's speaking with you, that's kind of you not being connected, right. So that's the disconnect, the before and the after.

Nikisha: 10:56

But it only happened when I stated something, when I made it clear and not a place of attack, but a place I wanna understand why do you go through these motions, why you're not connecting? And when we figured it out together it was so good cause we were driving, it was calm, it was very much a. I came from a curious place to try to understand my husband and when I did, I was able to share and he was able to receive. So that's one way of connecting and I wanted to share this with you guys, cause listening, connecting is something that needs constant work and it's never just happening all the time without being mindful of it. The next moment is my kids, right, who are nine and 12, the people I've raised all of their lives. I'm in their life 24, seven and it's one of the gifts of being a parent. But connection, it differs because as an adult who is older, I see things differently than they do and I'm always trying to guide and teach them. But when is it possible to not even be in the position of guiding and teaching, but just present in their world? That's what sometimes connecting with a parent-child relationship is. Sometimes I don't like calling it parent-child because my kids are my kids, but they're still human beings, so we're still human to human connection. So how do I respect them on that level?

Nikisha: 12:24

Now my oldest. She is 12. And when she was younger she was just present at all times. But around 10, nine, 10, they get conscious and things start to come up in their mind and they have all these thoughts. So they start to do a lot more inward thinking. And my oldest I mean my oldest is just that right, she thinks more inside. She doesn't vocalize, but I do my best to help her vocalize by telling her she has a voice. Let her use her voice in school In any way she sees fit and I love her for it. So she's learning about herself, the power she has, and she learns it the way she needs to. If it was me, I'm like break all the rules right, cause she's a rule follower, but she's not that person. That's not who she is within. That is not her I am statement.

Nikisha: 13:15

So in learning my daughter, I love the fact that now I could have conversations with her and she gets it, because she connects, she listens and she speaks when she feels like she has something to say and in that she has something to say. So with my oldest we've been having some deep conversations since she was 10. We'll speak about everything. Anything you think about it, we spoke about it and I do my best to be there for my daughter and speak to her in that way, because she's growing up, she's in a world with other young ladies. Everyone has their own story, but I would like her to have a story that comes from a place of facts and then she can do whatever she decides with it. Connecting with her is important because she's maturing, and the way I connect with her is just by being in her world, being in her world for me. Let me give you one of our things that we do, or I do, when I pick them up from school or when they get home, because now they travel home alone, or my husband gets them when they get in.

Nikisha: 14:21

There's some questions I ask. I used to ask how was your day? That's a big general question. That question will always go fine, okay, just the basics. But what I learned is how to get more into their day. So what I do is I speak their language and I go what was an LOL moment for you today? That means what was a laugh out loud moment for you today? And when they have LOL moments, they tell me someone did something and everyone laughed, or they laughed, or this happened and they cracked up, or somebody did this. And I love the stories they tell me because I get to know the other students through my girl's eyes.

Nikisha: 15:03

There's another question. I ask what was one of the things you failed at today and how did you work at it? That's a math problem, that's a reading problem, that's a this problem. And then they tell me how they remedied it and the way that they did. And I like using the word fail because now I normalize it so they don't feel like, as they get older, if they failed at something, they're not doing well in life, right? Failing does not mean that Failing is a part of life. It's a mistake so you can get better at whatever it is. So these are some of the questions I ask so I can get into their day, connect with them and also have an LOL moment with them, which is so good.

Nikisha: 15:47

And my oldest and I we really connect on that level, that conversation, because there are moments where she comes to me and we can speak and she knows it's safe because I'm in her world at moments. So that's some of the tips I have for speaking to your kid and getting into their day if you're a parent. Now my youngest, who's nine, e. She loves to be social, she loves speaking, but she doesn't love when we speak to her or ask her questions. But my youngest is a social mean. She has friends in school, different caliber of friends. She hangs out all the time. She does all her play dates. I am her administrative secretary who schedule all these play dates, walk her to it, drive her to it, listen. Me and my husband are busy in my young daughter's life when it comes to social life. But here's the thing my daughter E has a point where if I'm working she will walk into this room and start speaking to me. She doesn't say, excuse me, let me hold your attention.

Nikisha: 16:54

She just starts and she's asking questions and I'm writing an email or I'm doing something and I'm like, can I just finish this? Can you just give me a second, because I can't be attentive to you while in the middle of this, and half of the time when I do that, she gets upset. This beautiful being is an emotional creature, so her feelings are faster delivered than her patience of just giving me the moment. My oldest will give me the moment, my youngest will not give me the moment. So you see, I have to learn everyone's language in this home. So in those times there's always some type of riff coming about. She comes in because she wants my attention now and I'm like can I just please finish this?

Nikisha: 17:46

But I'm learning how to stop which it hurts so badly and just dial in right, or I'm asking her for a word to go mom, can you give me five minutes? And I can be like, yes, can you give me one minute, let me finish this and I'll give you five. Like me and my youngest, we are bargaining and I'm doing a lot of agreements, a lot, you know. So, in regards to her and I, the other day she was speaking about something and I wanted to be present, I wanted to connect, I wanted to be curious. So as she's speaking, she's standing on one of our couches and I'm standing next to her, so she, her and I are face-to-face. Usually she's up to my waist or my stomach. So as we're speaking or as she is speaking, she has the podium. I am listening intently and as she's speaking, my brain is putting all her words together, understanding the story, trying not to ask questions, because I'm always going wait a minute, what? What happened with my youngest daughter? And my husband hates that I always interrupt their story because I'm trying to stay with the story and sometimes I'm like hold up, who said that? And when I do that, they do get upset. So I'm trying to listen, not ask questions, be curious to my own mind and stay on, pass, stay in the story, nakisha, don't lose the connection. This is what I'm doing.

Nikisha: 19:16

So the other day I was listening to her and just hearing her and then I started to fall in love with her all over again. I was like, look at our beautiful face and I'm listening to her telling a story and I'm just like, look at her, this is my little E, my beautiful baby, who's growing up into this amazing human being. And I started to get curious. And Then, at the end of her story, I was able to repeat it back and go oh my god, that was so funny, like you know, cuz she tells funny stories, and I was able to be there with her on that storytelling process and it felt really good, because your days I missed that storytelling process by interrupting her, by not giving her her time. There are days where I'm doing something, she's talking, and I'm not fully present with her and I'm learning how to be okay. Stop doing a dish and just pay attention, give her the eye contact, give her the ears and don't give her the mouth.

Nikisha: 20:14

Just listen.

Nikisha: 20:15

No speaking, no asking questions, because he doesn't like the question. But that's how I get more details, which I'm teaching her, but at the same time I'm respecting her. So here's the thing, guys Connecting isn't easy. It takes work. It takes work, it takes curiosity, it takes admiration, it takes respect, it takes time, and when I say time I mean presence, just being present in that form of connecting and communicating. And In my family dynamic, it's the one place I get to practice connection. So when you see me show up in your world and I see and hear, you Know, it's because I practice at home daily.

Nikisha: 21:03

And I practice through listening, conversing, asking questions and sometimes just saying I don't feel like you're hearing, and verbalizing that and having the person respond from a place of love than a place of anger. So if someone has told you I don't feel like you're listening to me, take a second, get curious and ask why. What are some of the things I'm doing that you feel like I'm not listening? How can I be a better listener for you? What am I not doing to help you in telling your story? This is what happens when we're disconnected. We sometimes don't realize it and from a place of defense we get upset. But from a place of love, we want understanding, we want to be present. And let me be honest with you when it comes to my family, connecting is number one for me, because there will be moments that they're gonna struggle and if they know they can come to me because I'm gonna be present and they know they have a place to lay down that burden. But there are moments people don't feel hurt and seen and in those moments we can lose the precious gifts of the people we have.

Nikisha: 22:16

So make a decision now. Make a decision to work on being present, to work on giving them time To work on listening to them and to work on being curious. Your curiosity is all they need. Be curious and not in a questioning way why, why, what, what, what? Not that way, but be curious in where they're going with their story, how are they telling their story, how much this story means to them. Thank you so much for being curious. Thank you for being here with me. I'm listening to me share these tidbits, these four a half moments when you can take those and incorporate it into your life, because you are so valuable to me. I truly appreciate you and have an amazing day and I'll see you next Tuesday.

Nikisha: 23:11

Thanks for spending time with me today and if you received an aha moment in today's episode, hit the follow button and share a review. But more importantly, if you have a friend who will truly benefit from today's episode, click the three dots and share this link via text. You never know how this small action can help someone tremendously. See you next Tuesday and have an amazing day.