NK Podcast: Leading H.E.R. Way

Ep 60: Identity Series - Breaking Free from Inherited Beliefs

• Nikisha King | Certified Life & Business Coach • Season 2 • Episode 60

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Ever questioned how much of your identity is truly yours and how much is shaped by society?

Join me as we explore the profound impact of social conditioning on our beliefs, values, and entrepreneurial journeys. In today's podcast, I highlight how nature and nurture influence and mold our perceptions and actions. This episode sheds light on unnoticed ingrained beliefs, empowering you to consciously choose which ones serve your best interests.

Three Takeaways from Today's Podcast:

1. Question Long-Held Beliefs: Reflect on your beliefs and values to determine which ones are genuinely yours and which are shaped by societal expectations. Challenge these long-held beliefs to foster personal growth.

2. Practice Gratitude: Embrace a gratitude practice to shift your mindset and enhance your self-awareness. Recognizing the positive aspects of your life can help realign inherited beliefs with your personal growth goals.

3. Build a Supportive Community: Engage with a community that challenges societal norms and fosters personal growth. Surround yourself with individuals who support your journey towards self-awareness and empowerment.

Discover how to balance business with inherited habits and create positive legacies for future generations. 

If this episode resonated with you, help your friends, and family in their growth journey. Let's break free from our old conditioning and embrace continuous self-improvement.


How to Work with Nikisha (Your Certified Business & Life Coach):

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Nikisha King:

Hello, gorgeous, welcome to NK Productions' Leading Her Way podcast, where we see the human, evolving and resilient spirit in you. I'm your host, N ikisha King, and welcome to the Identity Series. On this episode, we're going to talk about breaking, but creating a new cycle that will serve us on our personal path to success. Now, in this episode, I'm going to touch on how our social norms have shaped the sense of self and affects our entrepreneurial journey, how your social norms, how your identity, how your beliefs and values can either hinder you or support you on your journey. Now, in diving into this episode, I'm going to talk about how our influence, our conditioning, our identity formation has created a mindset with limiting beliefs. But the question is do you have to keep that or can you create something new? Can you update this social conditioning, this mindset? Can you create something different so that your outcome and your future generation's outcome can be different? In other words, let's see if we can break free from our limiting norms and forge our own paths, the paths that we decide for ourself. Now, that is a challenge, but I know it's possible because I had to do that for myself and I'm going to share with you in my story. But before we get to the story. You know what I love doing. I love defining what we're going to talk about, because if we define it, you and I can get on the same page, and if we're on the same page then we can understand each other. And if we're on the same page then we can understand each other. So before we dive in, let's define our central concept for today social conditioning.

Nikisha King:

Social conditioning refers to the process by which individuals like you and me internalize our societal norms, so our values, our beliefs. They're often from our upbringing. Understand. When you're born in a world they call it a clean slate. I still think you have some form of a personality, because I've seen it in the womb of my kids but a clean slate and the norms, social norms, the conditioning of the people raising you, whoever that is, your grandparents, your parents, your aunts, your uncles, adoption. It doesn't matter who the beautiful people are. They have beliefs and values. Therefore, in your upbringing, what they believe becomes your belief. You're not given a choice, you're not given an option. Even though some people believe they're giving their kids the option, they're still managing that child's upbringing from the time they're born. They're very dependent on you. They're putting that conditioning on that wonderful, beautiful new human being. So as you're growing, upbringing, they're ingraining their beliefs and their beliefs are shaping your perception of self and the world around you, influencing your behaviors, your decisions, even as an entrepreneur. Today, you're being driven by those beliefs that were never yours to begin with and you are fine if they're yours because you want them to be.

Nikisha King:

But please don't misunderstand this podcast. It is not about telling you what you should or shouldn't be, because I don't believe in the shoulds and the woulds and the could-haves and all of those things. I want to always give you an aha moment so you get to decide. This podcast is not about societal norms and it's not about giving you things that you don't want or you don't choose or you're unconscious to. How do I bring this to your consciousness? So you get to do what feels right for you.

Nikisha King:

Now, as a young lady, when I was younger, I have two parents who are from the Caribbean. Therefore, my social norms and upbringing comes from that Caribbean point of view. And being young and growing up, that's what drove me until I started to go to school in the US, where I was born. Drove me until I started to go to school in the US, where I was born, and once I started to be exposed to the nature part I'm assuming the part of my outside world, they had now the opportunity to condition me based on their beliefs and values. When I went to pre-K and K, I was in a Catholic school, so I had the upbringing from a Catholic belief system. However, the teachers teaching me were not nuns. They all were not nuns. So I didn't have the Catholic upbringing and values because the teachers who were working there were not nuns. They were regular teachers, like in regular clothing, different lifestyles, the values they received at home they brought to the education world. They teach me the curriculum, but they judged my good and bad based on the values and beliefs they carried.

Nikisha King:

So if we're talking in class, we're being disruptive. That's a bad thing based on their understanding, based on the curriculum, the school, whatever it is, and that might be disruptive. So what they would do, they would get your attention, sometimes they would even pull your ears, because in the Catholic school system in the 80s that was still okay and that was far better than what they used to do way before that. Because you have to remember there was also physical abuse in the Catholic system years and years, because that was discipline. Remember discipline. Physical discipline happened through slavery because it was a form of getting someone in line with what you wanted them to do, right. So in the 80s, as I go to school, that was pulling of the ears. Thank God I've never implemented that with my kids because I don't do any physical discipline with my children, but even that was a thing.

Nikisha King:

So as I'm growing up, I'm learning from the outside world. I go to high school, I'm learning from my friends. Right Now I'm exposed even more to so many things sexual conversations, activities, the way they cut school, what we do, stealing everything, anything open. I was just. As I matured, I became less dependent on my parents and the outside world and my inner world started to give me social norms. And this too may happen to you or may have happened to you, and looks different. Right, your upbringing looks different, the way that your family raised you, dinners, family dinners. All of that Because in my household we really are obsessed with family dinners, although we don't have them Meaning every day at 6.30, 5.30, we do not sit at a table, eat dinner together, but there are households who do, and me and my husband sometimes feel jealous and I think where does this come from?

Nikisha King:

Because when we eat dinner, we eat dinner in the kitchen or in the living room, and it depends. Sometimes we eat in the living room together I don't know if you watch those old shows where they watch a show but they're eating dinner together on those dinner trays. Sometimes we do that. Sometimes we eat at the table, but not all the time. But I always check in with my kids not at the dinner table when they get home from school, because I'm here, I'm not coming from work. So there are moments we really want this condition that was given to us, that eating at the family dinner at a certain time and everyone's eating the same meal. Right, we all know about your kids wanting different meals, don't we? It's something that we are holding on to. We constantly try and I promise you we try, because my husband literally said the other day let's start doing this.

Nikisha King:

I put a timer on, I put a reminder on the you know what the machines we have in our house and to this day we have not implemented this whole eating at dinner or eating our dinner together at the table. And I'm like why are we living up to this norm? Where did this come from? But it came from television. It came from us not having it, so we're trying to do it. It also comes from a place of we want to have more family time and talk to our kids. But I know we talk to our kids on the weekends. Talk to our kids, but I know we talk to our kids on the weekends when we do family day. I know we talk to them when they come home from school. Well, I usually am always trying to speak to them and do things. But he's right, I feel like we're missing opportunities and I'm like, how do we get better? But somehow, some way, we're not getting better because we haven't decided to get better. That's my point of view. Once you make a decision, you follow through. I haven't decided I'm still going why we have to do this. Hence the reason I'm not doing it, but anyway.

Nikisha King:

So our norms, our social norms, have created these beliefs and values within ourselves, and that's what I kind of want to say to you. How are your social norms and conditioning your identity and I say it's your identity, because these beliefs become your identity, they become the thing that you judge right or wrong through this, and how does it affect your entrepreneur journey? How does it affect you Period entrepreneur journey. How does it affect you Period? So in my upbringing there was one statement my mom would make. Anytime I got in trouble, my mom literally thought I was following someone. That's why I got in trouble. So when I would get in trouble, my mom would say to me, in her conversation of being upset, yelling at me, whatever it is, there was one statement this woman made to me and it was don't be a follower, be a leader. Every time. So she literally was brainwashing me to be a leader and in all of those times it stuck with me. Every time I got in trouble Because to this day I never was.

Nikisha King:

When I say follower, I didn't follow anyone. I didn't do anything I wanted to do, I was always leading. I even leaded with my parents. I didn't listen to them because I was being a leader, but my mom didn't realize that I had my mom and dad in my life and every time they would try to tell me something I'll do whatever I wanted to do, but they didn't realize my mom brainwashed me to be a leader, so I'm not going to follow you. Her following didn't say follow your parents and not anyone else. It just said don't be a follower. So hence the reason I didn't follow anyone.

Nikisha King:

But I also didn't need the external validation from anyone as well. I didn't need someone's compliment statement to validate me as a being, because my mom told me don't be a follower, be a leader. And leaders don't need validation because leaders are leading without caring about anyone's validation, and it was just that value and belief she put in me that allows me to do a little bit more riskier things, because I don't need validation. And I look at this as one of the gifts she has given me. And this gift has served me well. Right, this belief, this conditioning have served me well, so I keep that one. Now there are other gifts my parents have given to me that I know don't serve me well in this stage of my life. So one of those can be, for example, yelling.

Nikisha King:

Right, my mom's voice carries very far, very loud, because her mom, my grandmother, was a vendor in a fish market and in the Caribbean. When you're a vendor in any market, you don't have a mic and an amplifier. Your amplifier is your voice. So in order for my grandmother to sell, she had to yell and be loud to grab the attention of the consumer. So, of course, her doing this daily. When she came home, she spoke with a high volume. When she came home, she spoke with a high volume, even speaking in a normal way. So of course, my mom picked up this habit and of course, living with my mom, I picked up this habit.

Nikisha King:

I know there are moments when I get excited, my pitch of my voice increases and sometimes my husband goes babe, why are you getting so loud? Even though I'm not arguing, fighting or doing any of that, I just automatically am excited in my conversation. So in learning this and trust me, when I was younger I was always told by my mom why are you yelling? Why are you screaming? But I'm like I'm not yelling. But when we tell my mom the same thing, she says the same thing. She's not yelling. So it is this constant conditioning and when I was younger, I'm learning how to keep my tone down or my volume down, while I'm still excited of whatever I'm excited about. So it's a constant management and work to shift this gift, this social norm, I've been given by my grandmother and it's amazing because, as I mature, I definitely had to do work to see what social norms were I carrying? What conditioning from my upbringing was I carrying and, at this point in my life, was it serving me? Did it really help me be the person I decide I want to be? And that's what we're talking about today identifying these. Now, social norms are different because they come from the external world. So, as a woman of color, you have to understand I have a lot of stories and I have a lot of upbringing. That is from a time when people of color, black people, were suppressed or oppressed in the United States Understand beautiful brown people and I despise using colors, but it's sometimes the identifier. But the different races in the world have been oppressed by others who thought they were inferior, and that oppression brought about these complex ideas and norms of what should be about. These complex ideas and norms of what should be Today.

Nikisha King:

I was listening to a podcast from my coach, brooke Costello, and Cara Lowenthal, a lawyer, and they were speaking about her new book Cara's new book and one of the norms they spoke about societal norms was about women in the past, the 1900s, and I'm talking about women who are not of color, and how they were oppressed as well by the man because they couldn't have their own bank account. They couldn't have financials. They took care of the kids. Societal norms was as a woman, your responsibility is to take care of the household, the kids and budgeting. But men didn't allow women to budget because they wouldn't know the numbers for the money and that's something they shouldn't know. Also, not so long ago, women didn't have rights and they were with their father who controlled their lives. And then they got married and then that man took over and controlled their life. If you notice, when you get married, your father is giving you over to this new man. Now this new man is supposed to take the role of your father and being responsible for you and ensuring you're safe.

Nikisha King:

Right, it's a big societal norm and, trust me, my father walked me down the aisle and gave me the John, but I knew he wasn't giving me the John in the way of back in the days where I was going to do all the societal norms although I believe I still do. I am still responsible for my kids' activities. My husband's stepping up to that more now, but it's still always on me when I have to deal with my daughter's documents and paperwork and up all the things. It always comes to me. It never goes to him. And then it's just me, right? I always my daughter will have a trip and need a paper sign. She will find me to sign that paper. She would never go to him.

Nikisha King:

So I believe we still practice societal norms in our household, in our family. However, the one we don't practice is that how can I say this that I don't have the right to go out and earn, I don't have the right to come up and show up on this podcast and give value and create a community of growth and strength. I have all rights to that and I know that because people died for me, like Martin Luther King Jr Dr Martin Luther King Jr. And in regards to that, I now have rights and societal norms are still there. But, trust me, I fight them. I literally fight them, but I don't fight them. I just shift because they no longer serve me.

Nikisha King:

I don't want to be stuck. I don't want to be stuck by the conditioning, by what others think I should be. I'm going to be honest with you. I am so tired of so many conditions I carry and they usually bog me down, and I don't know about you but these societal norms, these expectations of what I should be as a woman of color, are heavy, and I just want to be free of it. And in order for me to be free of it, I have to take actions. I have to do things different. You have to do things different. You have to do things different if you choose not to keep your old values and beliefs because there's something more you desire. And if there's something more you desire, I know you can have it Deep down in my bones. I know you can have it, but you have to believe that too, and if you don't, then it's just going to take a little bit longer for you, and I just hope it doesn't come to you the day you have no other, you have no life in you, the day where, if you're on that bed and it's that time to leave this physical earth that it doesn't hit you that you didn't get to do what you wanted to do. So, with that, what I would like to do is tell you a couple of actions that you can take that will support you in your journey. Okay, here's some action three action steps that I want you to take away, and I want you to implement it in your life the way you see fit.

Nikisha King:

Sometimes we're given action plans but we don't do it. And, trust me, I speak to so many people and I share advice, and I usually don't want to share advice. The reason is not because I want to hold back, but I know that that advice might go on. Raisin is not because I want to hold back, but I know that that vice might go on. How can they say that biblical term land on cement and not be rooted? And some do trust me, but it's not my business what gets like planted and what doesn't. I am just here to share and they can take it in however they want to Remember. That's the key here. No one has to do anything I say, and you don't ever have to do anything I say. But when you're ready, the content is here for you to come back and take what you need from it. So some action steps.

Nikisha King:

The first one is question your beliefs.

Nikisha King:

Yes, question it.

Nikisha King:

I did.

Nikisha King:

I questioned my values and my beliefs.

Nikisha King:

So one of them for me was my spirituality, my God. I love God with all of my being. I know I'm not fearful of God. I know I'm not fearful of God because God is love, god is kind, god is energy, god is amazing. God is not a physical construct to me. God doesn't punish me, but that's my belief when I was growing up. When I did bad, whatever bad was based on someone else's opinion and values, god will punish me. That's what I was brought up with, but I know now that is not my belief. I've decided to let go of the old understanding of God and create an understanding that serves me in my journey. You may not believe in God Fine, but there is something that might guide you in your journey and have a different name or no name, it doesn't matter, it doesn't really. It's up to you to know what helps you through your day to day, and I know what helps me.

Nikisha King:

So I'm going to say question your beliefs, take a critical look at your beliefs and values that you've inherited from the beginning of your time and look at this and say does it serve me, does it serve me not? And in order for you to question your beliefs, you have to actually take time to see them. What are you doing? What are you thinking? You have to actually take time to see them. What are you doing? What are you thinking? Do you believe in your household that your husband should work to the bone just to make sure everyone's okay. And if that works for you and you believe that and it serves you because you get to do the other half take care of your home, the kids and you enjoy doing that then that works, that serves you Great. But if you feel like you're not doing your purpose and you're being depleted and remember your kids leave.

Nikisha King:

So after that, what are you going to do and you feel like you're lost? Re-evaluate your beliefs. Have the discussion with yourself first, because this is a discussion with you. It's not about anyone else, it's about you, right? Ask yourself whether these beliefs align with your authentic self and your aspirations. It's okay to ask this question, to care about you and your aspirations. The people you care for will grow up and leave. The people you're with will leave in some form. They'll leave in having their own independence. They'll leave in death. They'll leave because that time of the relationship is over. People are not there or you're not there till the end of time, right, your end of time is when you expire or when you pass. Your physical being leaves. So question your beliefs, challenge the validity of the ingrained norms and consider whether they serve you. Do they serve your growth. Do they serve your fulfillment? How are they serving you? If they're not, you get the opportunity to create a different norm or condition that will help you and create a better generation going forward. Better cycle. Second action cultivate self-awareness. Omg, how I love this one.

Nikisha King:

Through introspection, mindfulness and reflection, pay attention to your thoughts, pay attention to your behaviors and examine how they may influence your journey, your emotions, your behavior and your thoughts. They all align. That thought you have automatically ignites a feeling of vibration in your body and you're going to feel a certain way. And for a fact, when you feel a certain way, your behavior is affected by those feelings. Your behavior is affected by those feelings when you're sad. Every time you're sad, the behavior is the same. You withdraw, you get quiet. You withdraw, you get quiet, you start ruminating in your mind. Listen, it's not really science here, people. When you feel angry, you yell. You either yell or you get quiet and you storm out of that room, because you know if you stay there just a little bit longer, you can become physical. Or the words you say will, they will be heavy when you're feeling angry, because the thought you're having, they don't care about me, they don't value me, they don't see me, they disrespected me. Omg, that thought creates that anger and that anger creates a behavior that can be toxic.

Nikisha King:

Listen, this is so important. Definitely, definitely. Cultivate your self-awareness in this journey of finding out what serves you and what doesn't and, yes, it takes time to get really clear about this self-awareness that is your identity. And then, third, embrace your empowerment. Embrace your empowerment by taking ownership of your beliefs and your choices. It's yours If you got it when you were younger and it still serves you today because you're making that decision, it's yours. Wear it proudly if you want to. If you get angry and you yell and you know when you yell you're just loving all of that and you know that it's being received, well then okay. But if you know that you yell and it hurts the people you truly love and you don't like how that feels after, then what are you going to do with that? Definitely, embrace your empowerment to take ownership of the choices you make in regards to the identity you have have, recognize that, the power to rewrite. Rewrite your narrative and shape your journey entrepreneurial, personal journey on your terms.

Nikisha King:

Last year, on my birthday, I turned 43. I called everyone on my birthday. I did not wait for them to call me and I shed how I feel about them, the love, the appreciation and the everyone was the people who raised me my mother, my father, my siblings and what I was doing was returning the gift that they gave me, the limited thoughts that they gave me, the pain that they gave me, and I just told them how much I love them and thank them for doing what they did, and tears came to my eyes, but what I was doing was returning all of the gifts they gave me and decided it's time for me to stand up on my two feet. I have that power, I have that right and I recreated new gifts. So as I move in my new generation of my children and them, I give them new gifts. That helps them become better in their journey. Can I say it's better? That's my opinion. That's not their opinion. But they get small little gifts because of the exposure that I provide for them.

Nikisha King:

But in order for me to provide an exposure, a belief, a value that might align better with where they are today, I had to do the change first. I needed the right. I need to empower myself to make these decisions for me as much as you have to do the same thing for you, whatever that is. Embrace that right, empower yourselves to make that decision of what works and what doesn't, and surround yourself with supportive people to help you, empower you on your journey, to help you challenge your societal norms, to help you embrace your authentic self. We are not built to be alone. Hence the reason in our past, right, the pre, what they call it those years of us becoming humans when we didn't have all this tech and all this, all this stuff, like in the ages I don't even know what they call it prehistoric ages, who knows? Community was so important because it's how we survived. Right, if a predator was in our area, if you were by yourself, you were eaten. No doubt we see it in animals the community, the cluster, the grouping, but find a community that is beneficial to your journey.

Nikisha King:

So, if you want to be empowered, if you want to see your beliefs and you want to be able to analyze them and check them out and talk about them freely, find a society that allows you to do that freely. Get real, be open to the coaching, the transformation and the moments where you're going to have valleys, because you're going to feel very, very uncomfortable, but know that when you're uncomfortable, that's the moment where you're going to grow. So the three takeaways you're taking away from this episode is question your beliefs, question what you have and is it working for you? Cultivate self-awareness, definitely. Be mindful. Check in with your behavior, emotions, your thoughts. Check in with you and embrace empowerment. Join a community that uplifts your choices.

Nikisha King:

Know that you have the ability to say this doesn't serve me and I want to change it. And it takes time. It doesn't take a day. It never takes a day. Your subconscious has been molded for years. To do the work is to make the change, and that requires such discipline and consistency. So the question is are you ready to break free from the constraints of social conditioning and forge your own path to your success? Are you truly ready for this?

Nikisha King:

There are moments I'm exhausted from carrying so much of society's point of view about who I should be, what I should be. I am so tired and being tired pushes me to do things like this where I'm like one more thing. But here's the thing If I look at it as one more thing, it limits me, but if I look at it as an opportunity to see the people I truly appreciate and who gets value from me showing up every week on this podcast, then so be it. And understand something the value I give here, I give it without any commercials, without any return of currency or tool. But as I do this, I am limited because I'm one person. So there are moments where there's a transfer of value, there are moments where I have to stand on stage and speak to thousands of people and understand.

Nikisha King:

I will do that, I am doing that, I will do that, I am doing that and I love it because if I can get with you in a room and be a asset to you and your empowerment and transformation, then I am raising my hand for that journey, because I truly, truly know you can do it and I love seeing you go from the place of uncertainty to certainty, to growth. It is one of the best gifts that I'm going to say I give myself. To just be there with you is the gift. So, once again, thank you so much for joining me on this lengthy episode today, and I hope it hit you exactly where it needed to and trust. If you found value in this episode, please, please, give it to the person, share it so you can help them in their journey by one simple step. Thank you, my love, and have a beautiful day.

Nikisha King:

Hey, before you go, I got a golden opportunity for you. Yes, you, it's a chance that's too good to pass up. A chance to work with me one-on-one, practically for free. Imagine waving a magic wand and saying goodbye to feeling completely overwhelmed, anxious and all those feelings that keep you stuck from selling your services. You know that feeling where you can't make decisions. You're on the hamster wheel. I know I was there. But what if I told you I can help you get rid of that feeling forever? Not only five minutes, 10 minutes, but forever. Yes, to the point where working on your newsletter website, creating content, feels like a breeze.

Nikisha King:

This week, I only have four exclusive spots for a one-to-one opportunity with me. It's not a webinar, it's not a workshop. It's only you and me for 60 minutes where I'll teach you my aha method to get rid of that overwhelmed feeling forever. Listen, don't walk, but run over to focusnakishakingcom it's in the show notes and grab one of my limited spots. It's limited and so many people keep asking for it, so it's going to be gone in a second. And remember, don't tell anyone about this great opportunity. It's just between you and me.

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